Blank, emptiness yet full to the brim with restlessness and stress. What is it that I am going through? I still believe strongly, but I feel like I have lost faith or maybe only hope.

Every joint in my body seems out of place, filled with pain and stiffness. I feel my mind has gone mad.

Screams silenced before they could be heard. I want no one to know, but my heart knows that I must tell someone.

I feel as though it is beyond my control, but my mind tells me that its not. I feel so mixed up I don't know what to believe. I want to scream for help, but I ask myself "who are you going to believe if you can not even know yourself?"

I feel lost, but everywhere I look it looks the same. How do I know where to go? I sit to pray, but I feel so detached that I can not even find words to say. What have I lost? My mind? Or is it really my heart or spirit? I find myself doubting that I ever had them to start with.

When I look and think about the things I believe in I can deny all of this, telling myself that I am the only one that started and is continuing this within myself, but until I live what I believe I will never know the truth. I am the one stopping myself from making the change I want in my life. I guess the question that I have to answer is how I can stop myself from not making the change.

Do I even understand anything I just said? Why am I writing this? Its not going to do me any good unless I do something about it. And gosh last time I checked here I am still sitting on the floor.

Am I just making everything up? Is my life really this bad or is it all just in my head? I sometimes do feel like living in my head, day after day I am here in the same place doing the same things, week after week, month after month...

Am I always going to be like this or can I actually change it? The only way I can find out is if I get up and try.